Category: Family

Posted on

Starting Over – When Your Life Plan Changes

This weekend I went to a friend’s housewarming.  JL and I met at work about 14 years ago.  We bonded as two recently married women and a year later we were pregnant with our first child.  We shared lunches, play dates, mothering advice and shopping trips to Parisian.  We have seen each other through various events  to include death, additional children (one for me, three more for her) and the stresses of married life.  I’ve grown to love her like a sister.

And then JL’s marriage starting going bad.  I was there to listen and help her decide her future plans.  When it went from bad to worst, she decided to leave.  That was a hard decision especially since the only thing she took with her were her kids.  The past few months have been difficult as she has had to rebuild her life while fighting her husband for custody.

I am happy that JL is doing well.  She has a job and recently bought a house that is big enough for her and the kids.  She is starting over but she is happy.  During the housewarming, everyone had to get up and say something to JL.  I didn’t know what I wanted to say then so I kept it short and generic.  Here is what I should have said:

“I am so proud of you.  I know it hasn’t been easy but I admire your courage to make changes in your life so that you can be truly happy.  You have prayed and worked hard to make this day possible.  It may have seemed as if you were alone but looking around this room, at all the people who love and support you, you can see that you were never alone.  You know that if you ever need me, all you have to do is call.  I love you.”

I think she needs to hear it.  Especially the part about being brave.  I’ll give her a call today.

What do  you think?  When life happens, are you strong enough to make difficult changes and choose happiness?

Posted on

Can a Woman Raise a Boy to Be a Man?

My good friend, ME, and I had a debut last week about single mothers raising sons.  Needless to say, our opinions are different.

First, some background.  ME has an adult son that she raised without any help from his father.  I am married and the mother of two girls.  Our conversation started when I told her the advice I gave my sister about her son.  My nephew’s father has been asking for his son to come and live with him in another state.  He wants his son with him as he starts middle school and begins to navigate those murky teenage years.  She is against it.  I told her she should consider it for the good of her son.

ME shook her head in disbelief.  “But that’s her child,” she said.  “It’s his child too,” I countered.  She asked if I could do it.  If I would let my child go live with his father.  I said I would.  And here is the reason why.

Raising children is hard.  As a mother, I can appreciate how hard it is and the frustrations that are multiplied when you have to supply everything your child needs on your own.  I think it is especially hard when that child is a male.  Women of course are built different.  We think different.  We show love different.  We discipline different.  How can a woman show a boy how to be a man?  We can’t.  We find a strong male influence be it a grandfather, uncle, trusted coach, or friend.  Don’t get me wrong.  Women have and continue to raise boys that grow to be fine upstanding men.  But I assure you that she had help along the way.  What if that help can come in the form of the boy’s father?  A good father that wants his son and wants only the best for him.  The only catch is that due to circumstances, that father lives in another state.  Would you let your son go?  A better question is, how could you not?

Posted on

Can We Spoil Our Kids Until They Are Rotten?

Most people in my generation can say that they have achieved more than their own parents.   Some of us have better paying jobs and more education based on the hard work and sacrifices of our parents and relatives.  It stands to reason that we in turn are in a financial place to provide more for our kids than what we had growing up.  Speaking for my own kids, they have cell phones, iPods, Nintendo Wii, a family desktop computer, etc.  And it goes beyond material things.  We chose where we live in order to be in a good school district.  They don’t really know what it is to do without something that need.  They have never been hungry.  That’s a good thing.  Every child should have access to medical care and good schools.  Every child should have their needs provided for and get to have some of the things they want.  But what is too much?  If you give  your kids everything, how will they learn to appreciate what they have?

My husband and I try to make sure that our girls know that they are fortunate.  We try to instill in them a work ethic and to understand that nothing in life is just handed to you.  We try to make them understand that you have to work for things that you want.  I hope the lesson is getting through.  I enjoy being able to spoil my kids.  I just don’t want them to turn out rotten.

What I’m listening to:  “If You Don’t Know Me By Now” – Teddy Pendergrass

What I’m reading now:  “The Last Days of Ptolemy Grey” – Walter Mosley

Posted on

First Day of School Rituals

 

Yesterday was the first day of school for my girls.  Ever since they started pre-school, we have a ritual where I take their picture before they head out the door.  This  year I thought that they were too old for the practice (10th and 7th grade).  Boy, was I wrong.  They both asked about their picture before I could get them out the door.   Who knew it meant as much to them as it did to me?

Do you have a first day of school ritual that you follow with your kids?

 

What I’m listening to:  “Everchanging Times” – Siedah Garrett

What I’m reading:  “Hunting in Harlem” – Mat Johnson

Posted on

Learning to Let Go

What’s Playing on the iPod right now: “Fresh” – Kool & the Gang
What I am reading now: “The Writer magazine” – August 2011

My daughters are not pictured.

 I am the mother of two teenage girls.  Yes, say a prayer for me now.  My girls have gotten to the place where I can see the child they used to be merging into the women they will become.  But until they get there, I still need to guide and protect them.  Sometimes the protecting thing drives me crazy!

This past weekend, I dropped my 15-year-old and her friend at Sandhills (a multi purpose outdoor shopping center).  They were going to the 7:20 p.m. movie and hang out with friends.  My daughter was instructed to call me when the movie was over.  At about 9:30 I still hadn’t heard from her.  Figuring the movie should be over I called her cell phone.  No answer.  I texted.  No response.  I wait a few minutes and dialed her again.  Still no answer.  This is where I freak out.

I don’t know if its my own oppressive childhood or my over active imagination that takes me to a crazy place.  A place where an unaswered cell phone means your child has been abducted or hurt or any number of foul 11 o’clock news worthy events.  It makes me want to keep my girls close and not let them out of my sight.

I know, I know.  They are getting older and I have to allow them to grow.  As my daughter reminded me when I picked her up, “I’m not doing anything wrong.”  And she wasn’t.  The movie ran longer than I thought and her phone was on silent in the theater.

Still, when I look at her and see the young woman taking shape in her features I can’t help but also see the toothless grin of my baby.  And it’s hard to let your baby go.

 

Peace,

Michelle

Posted on

>Savannah Reunion

>What’s Playing on the iPod right now: “Remember the Time” – Michael Jackson
What I am reading now: “Getting to Happy” – Terry McMillan

This Labor Day weekend I met up with Elaine Johnson Farrar.  All through middle and high school, Elaine and I were what the kids today call BFFs.  (Best Friends Forever).  This means we talked on the phone everyday, navigated the terrain of high school life and hung out at each other’s house.  We knew each other’s secrets and all of our dreams.  But as is sometimes prone to happen, life gets in the way.  We haven’t really talked or seen each other since the summer after high school.  But through the magic of Facebook, we found each other again.   So, this weekend, we decided to met in Savannah, GA.

Driving down I realized that it’s been over twenty years since I’ve seen my friend.  I can’t help but wonder, how much has she changed?  The last time we hung out we were kids with big dreams.  Now we are adults knocking down 40 years old.  People change over time, right?

I arrive at the bed and breakfast that Elaine found for our visit.  The Park Avenue Manor is simply lovely.  Elaine hasn’t arrived yet so I get a tour of the home by the gracious host and I am immediately made to feel at home with the offer of brownies and sherry and freedom to use the parlors and courtyard at any time.  I have chosen the Savannah Room and I am transported back in time when all homes had hardwood floors and big picture windows.  I relax in my room until I hear a car door outside and go to the window to get a glimpse of my friend. 

She looks exactly as I remembered.  Her heart-shaped face and petite frame are the same.  The hair, a twist of natural curls, is new but accents her grown woman style.

As I wait for her to settle in, I wonder will we have that same chemistry?  Conversations over the phone were easy.  Face to face will be the true test.  Would we be able to connect the way we once did as kids?

I open the door and we hug like long lost sisters.  All reservations vanish as we slip back into the rhythm of long time friends.   We have established no set time table so the weekend is open to possibilities.  We stroll and explore the historic streets of Savannah and get updated.  We talk about family and jobs and adventures that have taken place in the space of our lives.  Relearn each others likes and dislikes.  Lay the foundation for trust to grow anew.  And by the end of a weekend that went by too fast, I am glad that I came.   I am glad I found my friend.

We make plans to make this an annual event.  My BFF is back and we have the next twenty plus years to create new memories.

Posted on

>When Relatives Aren’t Relavant

>What’s Playing on the iPod right now: “The One” – Mary J Blige
What I am reading now: “An Inconvenient Friend“ – Rhonda McKnight

My aunt passed this weekend.  Dad’s sister.  And though I feel sympathy for my cousins that will miss their mother and my father that can no longer call his sister, the lost is not a personal one for me.  Should I feel bad that I don’t feel bad?

When we were young, my sister and I spent a lot of time at our aunt’s house.  She kept us while our parents worked.  Dad was stationed out of town and mom worked the 3-11 shift.  I have memories of playing with my second cousins, walking to the neighborhood convenience store and praying that it didn’t storm.  My aunt was old school.  Whenever a thunderstorm came through, appliances were unplugged, lights were turned off and everyone had to lay down.  Even if it was 2 o’clock in the afternoon and you weren’t close to being sleepy.  I remember the home cooked meals and not being allowed to sit on the plastic covered living room furniture. 

But once I reached the age of 12-13, we were allowed to stay at home.  Visits to my aunt’s house became less and less.  As an adult, the relationship was reduced to speaking at the random family function.  Two polite strangers related by blood.  Neither one of us taking the time to build a relationship.  So, although I mourn the lost of her life, it’s hard to miss the relationship that we didn’t have.

Posted on

>Life Interuppted

>What’s Playing on the iPod right now: “Doesn’t Really Matter” – Janet Jackson

What has been going on? Well for starters, Hubby had a car accident which totaled the car. Thankfully, he was not hurt and he wasn’t at fault. But my car affectionately known as “The Bucket” sacrificed herself. The car is gone. Don’t believe me? See for yourself.

And this…….

And this………..

The insurance company totaled it out today and gave us a check. The Bucket was 13 years old and paid for. The money we got is enough for a down payment but not enough to purchase a new car. So, we will have to buy a car when we weren’t really trying to do it for another three years.
Life has a way of screwing with your plans, huh?
Peace.